When is a Draw Actually a Win?

Arsenal 0 PSG 1

There would be no repeat performance of Arsenal’s delirious demolition of Real Madrid at the Emirates three weeks ago. Ousmane Dembele saw to that within four minutes, lashing a first-time, left-footed finish past David Raya at the far post to put the visitors up 1-0.

Though Mikel Merino would find the back of the net in the 47th minute, VAR overturned the goal for offsides, leaving Arsenal a deficit to overturn at Parc des Princes. Both sides will rue missed chances in a relatively even match, with Arsenal perhaps feeling the more fortunate to emerge with the score as it stands. PSG, however, did not emerge unscathed, with a minor injury concern for Dembele.

We don’t anticipate a dull affair in Paris, where this tie will offer more twists and turns than the Seine, hopefully with fewer concerns about sewage.

Barcelona 3 Inter 3

Yes, this match ended in a draw.

Yes, Marcus Thuram scored a ridiculous backheel within thirty seconds to elicit a spontaneous Ray Hudson combustion for the ages.

Yes, Raphinha hit the crossbar so hard it could’ve scored off Yann Sommer’s back from twenty yards away.

But seemingly none of that matters. Because this match was about one thing and one thing only: the generational talents of Lamine Yamal, shown over 90 minutes on the world stage.

Ever since he bleached his hair and started wearing two pairs of sunglasses, the world has been Yamal’s Mojo Dojo Casa House, and the rest of us are just living in it.

In his 100th appearance for the club, he asserted his presence first by carving through half the Inter defense before effortlessly clipping a left-footed curler through an impossibly tight window to cut a 2-0 Inter lead in half. Then, 90 seconds later, he sent Federico DiMarco to the shops on the byline before fizzing a shot over Sommer and onto the crossbar.

Those 90 seconds were the most electrifying 90 seconds on a football pitch in recent memory. The young Spaniard approaches the game with a naive arrogance—meant in the most complimentary terms. It’s as if he asks himself, “Why shouldn’t I try this?” before unleashing a series of dribbles so audacious, unpredictable, and incisive that they defy belief. That audacity is enabled only by youth.

Yamal will improve markedly as a footballer. But he may never be this electric again. Savor it.

Anyway, sorry to Denzel Dumfries, who we haven’t even mentioned yet. He only scored a brace, assisted the other goal, and won Man of the Match. Nice job, Denzel. Yay, Denzel.

Okay, thank you, Denzel. You can exit the stage now.

Now, a PSA. Everyone, beware. It would be extraordinarily….Inter…to deny us more Lamine Yamal when we’re all clamoring for it. They’re built to play spoiler, and while nobody will remember it this way, the Italian giant did play spoiler on Wednesday. Unfortunately for them, away goals no longer matter, there’s still a second leg to be played, and the other team has the best player since Messi.

That’s right. If we can’t say it now, we don’t know what Lamine Yamal has to do for it to be acceptable. Wear three pairs of sunglasses? Four? Surely not five?

Athletic Bilbao 0 Manchester United 3

It defies all reason, but Manchester United—14th in the Premier League Manchester United—remain unbeaten in the Europa League.

Things took a bleak turn for Bilbao early when Harry Maguire—yes, that Harry Maguire—put their defense on roller skates with a winger’s fleet-of-foot and cutting change of direction. In the 30th minute, Maguinha delivered an inviting cross into the box which was flicked by Manuel Ugarte onto the waiting head of Casemiro to open the scoring.

Minutes later, Dani Vivian saw red for an ill-fated foul on Rasmus Hojlund in the box, and Bruno Fernandes converted the ensuing spot kick. Before Bilbao could limp into half, Fernandes added another to extend the United advantage to three, where it would remain.

With his brace, the United captain has registered 30 goal contributions in 32 Europa League knockout games. The goal tally is fantastic, but the sheer amount of games is absurd. Get this man some Champions League football.

Assuming all goes well in the return leg at Old Trafford, he’ll have his chance to seal just that.

Spurs 3 Bodo/Glimt 1

We appear to be headed for an all-English Europa League Final, as Bodo could barely catch a Glimtse of Spurs in this one.

Within a minute, a Pedro Porro cross found Richarlison toward the back post who headed it back across goal to an arriving Brennan Johnson to seize an early lead for the home side. Porro starred again in the 34th minute, delivering a piece of long-ball aerial perfection to find James Maddison streaking into the box for Spurs’ second.

Dominic Solanke added a goal from the spot after a harsh penalty in the 61st minute, but Ulrik Saltnes did pull a goal back for the Norwegian underdogs in the 83rd. That goal could prove vital as they head home hoping to overturn the arrears. While United’s progression feels more certain, we sense this second leg could provide some drama in Norway.

If not, we might see 14th versus 16th for the right to play Champions League footy. The rest of Europe must loathe the prospect.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Brentford decisively beat Forest at The City Ground, winning 2-0 with goals from Kevin Schade and Yoanne Wissa (a deftly taken chip). Both goals came from long balls, leaving the Forest defense awash in indecision and embarrassment. Mark Flekken assisted Wissa’s, notching his ninth of the season, a record for a Premier League goalkeeper.

Nine feeders from the keeper! That makes Flekken the John Stockton of Tim Howards.

Forest have lost four of their last five as they sputter into the end of the season on fumes. But it’s not over! They’re sixth, level on points with fifth-place Chelsea, one point behind fourth-place City, and two points behind third-place Newcastle.

Don’t you quit on us, Forest. The neutrals are counting on you to spoil the rich club tea party.

🇪🇺 Chelsea beat Djurgarden 4-1 in the first leg of the Conference League Semifinal. Nico Jackson scored a brace, while Jadon Sancho and Nordi Mukiele added goals. In the other semi, Betis beat Fiorentina 2-1, aided by this worldie from Antony.

See, we knew Harry Maguire wasn’t the best Brazilian winger on the Manchester United payroll.

🇺🇸 Inter Miami crashed out of the CONCACAF Champions Cup, losing to Vancouver 3-1 at home (5-1 on aggregate). Sebastian Berhalter scored in his third straight game for the Whitecaps. Brace yourself, USMNT fans.

🇸🇦 Cristiano Ronaldo bottled this late opportunity to score a leveler for Al Nassr, as they depart the AFC Champions League Elite trophyless again. Tsk, tsk. Two GOATs bowing out of two of the world’s most storied and prestigious competitions on the same day.

Al Ahli beat Al Hilal 3-1 in the other semifinal. Roberto Firmino and Ivan Toney scored for the victors. You already forgot about Ivan Toney, didn’t you?

The focus shifts from the title to the top five in the Premier League this weekend, with challenging matches facing all the contenders.

City vs. Wolves (3:00 PM ET FRI)

A month ago, we would’ve breezed right past this matchup. Now, we genuinely believe Wolves can shock the Etihad, though the crowd will welcome the sight of a tall, fast, Norwegian goalscoring menace in Haaland’s absence. We’re talking, of course, about Jorgen Strand Larsen.

Villa vs. Fulham (7:30 AM ET SAT)

Villa have lost two straight after their thorough capitulation to Palace at Wembley, and their European hopes are teetering. They can’t afford to drop points to 8th-place Fulham at Villa Park on Saturday. And we mean that literally; the vultures are already circling for Morgan Rogers should the club miss out on Champions League qualification.

Brighton vs. Newcastle (9:00 AM ET SUN)

On form and league position, Newcastle are in the driver’s seat to return to Europe’s most fabled competition. But the margins are narrow, and the Magpies will grimace at the prospect of a trip to the Amex. Brighton have not impressed in recent months, but so long as they have Carlos Baleba, they’ll be a believe-a. We understand if you close this email now and never return.

Chelsea vs. Liverpool (11:30 AM ET SUN)

No better way for Chelsea to get excited for this one than to give the champions their guard of honor. They’ll hope that Liverpool, with their job done, are prepared to take a weeks-long vacation in their remaining fixtures.

Real Madrid vs. Celta Vigo (8:00 AM SUN)

We like Barcelona’s chances of holding serve against already-relegated Valladolid, so our attention turns to Madrid, where a four-point deficit means every remaining match is a final. Celta Vigo gave Barcelona a tremendous fright a few weeks ago, and the club has only lost two of its last eleven fixtures. This matchup should concern Madridistas.

Both league-leaders Napoli and second-place Inter face highly winnable matches this weekend, so let’s focus on the battle for Champions League qualification, where two enticing matches grace the fixture list.

Bologna vs. Juventus (2:45 PM SUN)

Just one point separates fifth-place Bologna from fourth-place Juventus, setting the stage for a Thiago Motta Derby for the ages. Both sides have suffered recent stumbles, with Bologna drawing against Udinese last weekend and Juventus losing to Parma the week before. Either, though, can take a massive step towards the Champions League with a win.

Roma vs. Fiorentina (12:00 PM SUN)

This sixth-versus-seventh matchup might be a European loser-leaves-town match, though we’ll resist the urge to apply that label prematurely. Surging Roma beat Inter their last time out to prolong their unlikely and incredible unbeaten run, while Fiorentina haven’t lost in their previous nine. Compared to Roma’s 18, it’s a modest hot streak, but it has put La Viola in the hunt.

RB Leipzig vs. Bayern (9:30 AM SAT)

Title-clincher alert!

Bayern can officially seal the Meisterschale with three points at Leipzig; a draw effectively suffices, assuming you’re not particularly bullish on Leverkusen’s chances of overturning a 30-goal deficit in goal differential. The Bavarians will have to find the points in the suspended Harry Kane’s absence.

Don’t expect hospitality from Leipzig. They sit fifth in the table, just two points behind Freiburg.

Freiburg vs. Leverkusen (11:30 AM SUN)

Our negative goal difference kings, Freiburg, host second-place Leverkusen on Sunday. Xabi Alonso’s side can prolong its attempts at discomforting Bayern, though any miracles are unlikely. Then again, Bayern do have Harry Kane, so we can’t rule it out.

The match is more pivotal for Freiburg's improbable charge toward Champions League football.

Mainz vs. Frankfurt (1:30 PM SUN)

We’re afraid this is it for Mainz. A remarkable Cinderella story a month ago quickly faded into midtable malaise with a run of six matches without a win. They’re four points out of fourth with three games remaining, meaning any result other than three points against third-place Frankfurt is quite likely to seal their fate.

Strasbourg vs. PSG (11:00 AM SAT)

Much like Chelsea hopes Liverpool takes an early holiday this weekend, French Chelsea will wish that PSG, with little left to play for domestically, devotes full focus toward the midweek return leg against Arsenal. Despite 11 games unbeaten, Strasbourg remains in seventh place, but three points could push them as high as third.

Lille vs. Marseille (2:45 PM SUN)

Strasbourg and others on the outside looking in will relish the appearance of this fixture on the schedule. Third-place Lille hosts second-place Marseille on Sunday, and with the table as congested as it is, neither side can stomach dropped points of any kind. Lille have rattled off three straight wins to reclaim a top-four spot, while Marseille have won their last two convincingly.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Five teams (separated by three points) battle for two promotion playoff places in the English Championship’s final day on Saturday:

• Fifth-place Bristol City hosts Preston

• Sixth-place Coventry hosts ninth-place Middlesbrough

• Seventh-place Millwall visits a Burnley side still alive for the title

• Eighth-place Blackburn visits third-place Sheffield United

And don’t forget the relegation fight, where Hull, Luton, Preston, Derby, and Stoke all face the possibility of finishing 22nd.

🇧🇪 Union SG hosts Genk on Saturday at 2:45 PM ET in a crucial battle atop the Belgian Pro League. Union can move back into first with a win, while Genk could pull level with them in second.

🇵🇹 It’s another week of regularly tame matchups in Portugal, as Benfica visits eighth-place Estoril on Saturday, and Sporting hosts 14th-place Gil Vicente on Sunday. Just three games remain with the clubs level on points.

🇳🇱 PSV hosts ninth-place Fortuna on Saturday at 3:00 PM ET. With Ajax out of action this weekend, PSV can cut their lead to four points with three matches remaining.

🇺🇸 Second-place Columbus hosts fourth-place Charlotte in a heavyweight MLS Eastern Conference battle on Saturday at 7:30 PM ET. Winners of five straight, Cincinnati hosts NYCFC on Sunday at 3:00 PM ET.

🇲🇽 In Mexico, Monterrey faces UNAM at 9:30 PM Sunday, and the winner will advance into the Clausura playoff to face Toluca on Wednesday.

🇦🇷 First meets second in Group B in Argentina, as Rosario Central hosts Independiente at 5:30 PM ET on Saturday. The leader in Group A, Boca Juniors, visits fourth-place Tigre on Sunday at 5:00 PM ET.

🇧🇷 Fourth-place Cruzeiro hosts league leaders Flamengo in Brazil on Sunday at 5:30 PM ET. Second-place Palmeiras is in action at Vasco de Gama at 3:00 PM ET.

🇧🇷 Shortly after we sent our Tuesday newsletter, Carlo Ancelotti’s move to Brazil collapsed, with the Brazilian federation apparently unwilling to wait for Ancelotti to settle his exit with Madrid (and unwilling to pay to facilitate that exit, as well). We sense this one is headed for Michael Scott vasectomy territory. The deal will inevitably be back on within days before crumbling again.

🤕 Staying in Spain, Antonio Rudiger must’ve known his season was over before he took a run at the official in last weekend’s Copa Del Rey Final. While the ensuing ban would’ve ended his season, an injury to his knee will do the job instead.

🤝 Eric Dier is reportedly off to Monaco on a free transfer. It’s a bit of an odd one with Dier earning more minutes in the Bayern backline recently and the club interested in renewing his contract. But then again, Dier joining Bayern in the first place was a bit odd, wasn’t it? Monaco pursued Jordan Henderson in January; it appears they have a thing for out-of-favor Englishmen.

Hey, we don’t kink-shame.