Corner Taken Quickly! Musiala!

🇪🇺 UEFA Nations League Quarterfinals (Second Leg)

🇩🇪 Germany 3 Italy 3 (5-4 Agg)

Germany scored five goals across two legs. Joshua Kimmich assisted four and scored the other.

The Bayern higher-ups must be relieved with the timing of Kimmich’s recent contract renewal:

Germany were up 5-1 on aggregate at halftime, but a Moise Kean brace early in the second half made things interesting, and Giacomo Raspadori scored from the spot late in stoppage time to cut the deficit to one. It was too little too late for the Azzurri; crazy to think that a first-half corner-taken-quickly made the difference in this one.

Jamal Musiala living every young footballer’s dream: filling the boots of Divock Origi.

🇫🇷 France 2 Croatia 0 (2-2 Agg, France advances on pens)

A 2-0 advantage isn’t safe against a side with Kylian Mbappé and Ousmane Dembélé. But it was actually Michael Olise who provided the spark for Les Bleus, opening the scoring shortly after halftime before teeing up Dembélé for the equalizer in the 80th minute.

Mike Maignan made two saves in the shootout to seal the French victory in a second leg dominated by the home side. Croatia failed to register a shot on target and managed just five shots in total, while France generated eight and 28 respectively.

🇵🇹 Portugal 5 Denmark 2 (5-3 Agg, AET)

For a moment, we were concerned by the possibility of a Space Jam MonStars situation, in which Rasmus Hojlund’s performance of Ronaldo’s signature celebration might’ve stripped the Portuguese icon of his powers; in the sixth minute, Kasper Schmeichel saved what had to be the weakest penalty of CR7’s career.

Only the supernatural could explain the pathetic frailty of that effort.

No matter. Portugal clawed back a deficit on three occasions, including once from a tight-angle Ronaldo rebound. Francisco Trincão scored the second of his two sublime goals early in extra time and Goncalo Ramos sealed the tie with a tap-in in the 115th minute.

Portugal will meet Germany in Munich in June.

🇪🇸 Spain 3 Netherlands 3 (5-5 Agg, Spain advances on pens)

The Dutch came from behind twice, with a Memphis Depay penalty canceling out an earlier Oyarzabal goal from the spot and an Ian Maatsen goal equalizing the second goal of Oyarzabal’s brace. Lamine Yamal gave Spain the advantage in extra time, which was again neutralized by a Xavi Simons penalty.

Yamal experienced a rare taste of failure in the shootout, but Noa Lang and Donyell Malen also failed to convert, sending the Spanish side through to the semifinal. In a well-balanced quarter over two legs, Spain generated 15 shots on target to the Netherlands’ 13 and created higher-quality chances.

An enticing June matchup with France awaits in Stuttgart.

CONCACAF Nations League

🇲🇽 Final: Panama 1 Mexico 2

The United States finally got a preview of what success could look like for a host nation at next summer’s World Cup. One problem: it was the Mexican team and their supporters providing the preview.

The Raul Jimenez resurgence continued, as the Fulham striker scored both goals, one headed from a Roberto Alvarado cross and the other from the penalty spot. He scored all four of his side’s goals during the week. It’s a dramatic and inspiring turnaround for Jimenez, from his traumatic head injury, and for Mexico, from years of uninspiring performance.

Cervezas all around.

🇨🇦 Third Place: Canada 2 USA 1

It’s not the game either side wanted to play in, especially in front of a total fan attendance you could count on two hands. Still, the third-place game presented both teams an opportunity to salvage momentum from the tournament.

One side took that opportunity, and it was the one with citizens more inclined to sport an all-denim outfit.

It wasn’t without complications: Alphonso Davies exited injured in the first half and Jesse Marsch received a red card for a hysterical outburst. Marsch took issue with the referee’s failure to give a penalty for what replay showed was an innocuous Jonathan David slip—or dive, depending on your perspective. Either way:

But David would ultimately get his goal, the winner, with the US utterly incapable of answering. Shockingly, the late introduction of 29-year-old Vancouver Whitecaps striker Brian White did not inject the US with a sudden and venomous will to attack.

The lone bright spot for the US: Diego Luna, who displayed the desire and effort fans expect to see from their national team.

CONMEBOL World Cup Qualifying

🇦🇷 Uruguay 0 Argentina 1

Argentina can sustain absences from Lionel Messi, Paulo Dybala, and Lautaro Martinez….and still have a player good enough to produce a goal this jaw-droppingly incredible:

That Thiago Almada banger was good enough to make you believe he can restore the glory days at Lyon.

People talk about this generation of the USMNT being talented. Sure, they’re CONCACAF talented. That’s like being a Youngstown “8” looks-wise (sorry, Youngstown - some city had to catch that stray). This Argentina roster, on the other hand, is a “10” in Miami, Los Angeles, or anywhere else on Earth.

🇪🇨 Ecuador 2 Venezuela 1

West Ham legend Enner Valencia scored a brace before half-time, ensuring three points in a game where Ecuador had more than 70% possession. Valencia, now plying his trade in Brazil, has scored four goals in his last three international games.

🇪🇺 UEFA World Cup Qualifying

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 England 2 Albania 0, England 1 Latvia 0

England debutant Myles Lewis-Skelly scored in the 2-0 victory over Albania. Lewis-Skelly and Dan Burn combined to form the unlikeliest of debut pairings, like a modern-day Manute Bol and Muggsy Bogues, but at opposite ends of the age spectrum in addition to height.

Reece James scored a stunning free kick to open the rout of Latvia, with Harry Kane adding his second goal in two games, and Eberechi Eze dancing through the defense to close the international break on a high note.

🇳🇴 Moldova 0 Norway 5

He may resemble Thor in appearance, but we were starting to worry Erling Haaland might have to do it all himself Thanos-style to bring Norway to the World Cup. Instead, five players (including Haaland) found the scoresheet in the decimation of Moldova. Alexander Sorloth started up top alongside the Norse god and added a goal of his own, continuing an impressive campaign that’s seen him score 17 times for club and country.

🇵🇱 Poland 1 Lithuania 0, Poland 2 Malta 0

Robert Lewandowski (who the heck else?!) scored in the 81st minute to deliver victory for Poland over Lithuania, bringing his national team total to 72 goals in 117 games (91 G+A). Karol Swiderski notched a brace in the win over Malta, who fielded one James Carragher in defense.

How do you say scouser in Maltese?

OFC World Cup Qualifying

🇳🇿 New Caledonia 0 New Zealand 3

Another ticket punched!

For the first time, the Oceania Football Confederation had a direct qualification slot for the World Cup, and New Zealand snagged it with both hands. New Caledonia? Old Caledonia? Didn’t matter to the Kiwis; whichever Caledonia showed up was getting smashed.

New Zealand played five matches during qualifying, winning them all by a combined margin of 29-1. Forest striker Chris Wood contributed nine goals on his own. Playing on beginner mode is fun, huh?

Might be time to join the AFC for the next World Cup cycle. Until then, New Zealand will enjoy its first appearance in the competition since 2010, when the vuvuzela rose to ear-piercing prominence and the Kiwis were the only undefeated team in the tournament, drawing three times

CAF World Cup Qualifying

🇬🇭 Thomas Partey scored twice for top-of-the-group Ghana. Perhaps he can offer Mikel Merino some competition at striker for Arsenal.

🇨🇮 Sebastian Haller notched the lone goal for Ivory Coast in a 1-0 victory over Gambia.

Matchday 6 of 10 in the competition concludes today, with Egypt, Morocco, Algeria, and Senegal in action later this evening.

👴 Maybe the international break isn’t so bad after all? With clubs out of action, we saw legends take the pitch across the continent. First, it was a Peter Crouch brace at Anfield, complete with his signature robot:

Crouch walked so Dan Burn could run.

Then, there was Andrea Pirlo hitting a flawless freekick:

Have to respect not only the permanence of his class but the permanence of his commitment to the tucked-in shirt amid the onslaught of middle age.

🇺🇸 Playing through international break is a loud declaration that your league is unserious. It creates a blatant juxtaposition between the world’s best talent…and your league. It suggests that your league is a footballing sideshow or a mere appetizer to a main event elsewhere. It places it on par with legends games and bottom-of-the-pyramid hopefuls.

So naturally, MLS is one of those leagues that plays right through.

Unfortunately for Evander, the Brazilian national team is rich with depth, but his loss is MLS viewers’ gain, as he scored a brace in Cincinnati’s 2-2 draw with Atlanta.

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 A league that can totally get away with playing through the international break? League One. Nobody is under any illusion that it’s a top-tier football offering. No shame in that game. Just grit and ambition for better days ahead in more prestigious leagues.

Jay Rodriguez scored for Wrexham to maintain the club’s three-point lead over Wycombe for the second automatic promotion spot, though Wycombe has a game in hand. Welcome to Wrexham Season 19, about to be a banger. Hopefully, the city doesn’t run out of sentimental stories by the time the club reaches the Prem. Don’t want these eyes running dry.

🇪🇺 UEFA World Cup Qualifying

North Macedonia vs. Wales (3:45 PM TUE)

After a comfortable 3-1 win over Kazakhstan, Wales brings an unblemished record to North Macedonia to face the world’s 67th-ranked side. Gareth Bale’s not walking off the putting green and onto the pitch for the Dragons, who will rely on Brennan Johnson and Daniel James to fire them to victory.

Israel vs. Norway (3:45 PM TUE)

Both winners of their first matches, Norway meets Israel in Hungary. Leeds winger Manor Solomon leads the attack for Israel, who must produce to keep pace with the towering Nordic strike duo.

🇦🇷🇧🇷 CONMEBOL World Cup Qualifying

Argentina vs. Brazil (8:00 PM TUE)

This game was originally billed as a Messi-Neymar reunion, but neither star will take the pitch, and that doesn’t matter at all. Because it’s Argentina vs. Brazil!

Argentina have won three of the last five; the last time Brazil beat their rivals was in 2019. Think they might want this one?

🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🔜🇪🇸 Trent Alexander-Arnold’s move to Real Madrid is reportedly hurtling closer to completion, as he’ll continue his pursuit of the elusive right-back Ballon d’Or in Spain. Somebody forgot to tell him that he’ll get none of the credit for the club’s successes and plenty of the blame for its stumbles. That the fans will inevitably prefer Dani Carvajal. That they won’t like his tendency to abstain from tracking back.

Anyways, good luck pal!

🇲🇽❌ While Mexican supporters basked in the glory of that vaunted Nations League title, one of their clubs received deflating news. Mere months before the start of the Club World Cup, FIFA expelled Léon from the competition. Léon’s majority owner, Grupo Pachuca, also has a majority stake in fellow Liga MX club Pachuca, violating FIFA rules prohibiting an owner from controlling two teams in the same competition.

How did it take so long to discover this obvious and utterly preventable reality?

FIFA, that’s how.

James Rodriguez, most likely sold on the Léon project by the prospect of CWC participation, is punching air.